Organization by Design

OK:

I will be able to obtain the virtual consulting with a woman at Organization By Design.

Funny I have a new rule: only wear red or black shirts with jeans. Today I wore the soft worn Loft pair with the cashmere long tee shirt and the black jacket over that and the patent loafers.

My indispensable staple is the 3-pack of black socks you can buy in Rite Aid on the cheap. I bought two 3-packs last night. I get such a zing out of those socks.

Monday morning I buy the table top easel. I visualize in my mind a painting called Optimism done in yellow and orange oil paints. My goal is not to become a good artist [though that could happen with practice]. The goal is to relax and enjoy myself in my apartment-sure to be the hub of my creativity in this 3 Personal Year.

Alas: I fear Loft won't have any sweaters left if I go on Tuesday to redeem one of the gift cards. I'm still iffy on the purple wool turtleneck: do I donate it to the Salvation Army or do I get it cleaned and keep it?

My friend signed on to take pictures of me in outfits for the look book. We do this in early February. I'll treat her to dinner in return. We can make a night of it.

Forgive me: tonight I am sad about the earthquake in Haiti so I want to see if I can donate money to the Red Cross or to another relief agency specifically to help the people there. I will try to keep upbeat as I continue this blog entry. It just seems so unfair about the lack of equality in how people live: Haiti is one of the poorest countries if not the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.

I feel angry that some people in the U.S. think their self-worth or their standing in society is determined by their material possessions when some people in the world would be grateful to have a bowl of soup and clean bed linens.

How could one not be moved by the images on the New York Times website? This tragedy affects everyone in the world. I worry it will be business as usual until the next natural disaster or act of human cruelty.

What would a child in Haiti know of a digital camera or iPod dock? I realize I'm fortunate that on Monday morning I can buy both of those things.

I feel-this is not right-that some people live in poverty.

It seems wrong to covet a new sweater when I most likely could do without one and use the gift cards for something else.

I do not have the right to anything except food clothing shelter. It is an accident of fate that I was born in America. That gives me the duty to be aware that my fortune comes at a cost.

Luckily I'm able to keep my clothes in good condition and they last for years and years so it's not like I'm a spendthrift and buy new things all the time.

Sometimes I think of this:

That if I were able to have kids I wouldn't let them eat candy and I'd serve them fruits and vegetables. I would teach my kids respect and to treat every living being with dignity. I would travel with them so they could witness other cultures.

The schizophrenia took that away from me. It is the greater consolation I believe that the people in the world are my children.

Today I have decided to always live conscious of the choices I make and how they affect other people as well as their effect on me.

You cannot be blind: I want to shake the ignorant and say Look: the whole of compassion lies in seeing what goes on and deciding to act.

I flip-flop in JM between the frivolous and the serious possibly because I'm a woman of contradictions. Yet I will not judge other people for the choices they've made and the lives they lead. I have only so much energy to give to my own recovery and that is all I have. So in my mid-thirties I knew I would not have kids in this lifetime.

Other things I can hope for: to find someone who I can look out into the world with and be on the same page. To walk together down this road.

Momentarily I have succumbed to the urge to live an ascetic life as if in defense of my good fortune. More likely I will always be aware of the suffering of others.

So please understand if I talk to you of socks and mundane bliss.

I could drink my tears tonight they flow so freely.

It is time to segue into something else that you're accustomed to:

I will ask the image consultant to give me suggestions as to where I could buy a pair of jeans that I'll actually look good in that aren't low rise and don't look grungy.

Oh no: I cannot continue in this vein. Not tonight when so many children go without shoes or other basic necessities.

Wait for me to return this weekend in a more cheerful mood.

Tonight I am grateful for this:
I can afford to buy a 3-pack of black socks.

You do not know how it cheers me to organize those socks in the plastic bin in the drawer so that I'm able to choose a pair every day.

Socks.

I rest my case.