Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blue Shoes

So young.

The Coerr's song about being "so young" flashes through my mind now as I remember how young I was when I had the breakdown. Luckily I had my whole life before me and I dreamed of a better life. That is how it was to be so young and in love with the underground. Watching obscure bands at CBGB. Trawling Second Avenue street vendors at 2 a.m. So young. You know nothing of your life and how it will turn out.

I wonder about that: do you lose yourself? You can reclaim her. I pined for the gregarious me when my life was on hold. It was a pit stop. I've decided to freeze the memories in time and not look back. You do not know at 22 what is possible. The memories are dim now and don't carry the weight they once did. We'd go to Millard Fillmore's-a restaurant-and talk late into the night over Blooming Onions. Or hang out in each other's houses watching videos and eating Chinese food or pizza.

So young. Perhaps when I begin to write fiction I will write about that time. A dozen ideas come to me now. I kid you not I have seen my life flash before my eyes and it is all good. I have a list of decade-by-decade goals I want to accomplish. I have a five-year plan.

The miles I walked down a dusty cocoa road. Was I sleepwalking? Dancing along the edge of life in my blue shoes. You do not know. You do not know where the line on the horizon leads so far away it is.

Even today I am still a girl: a young girl inside my heart.

I feel the pull to speed miles ahead and break out into the mainstream in a bigger way.

Today I dined at Yaffa Cafe with a friend. I walked so fast heading back to Broadway that my shins hurt. Once I arrived home I fiddled with the new digital camera until I was successful. That seems my mode of living: until I'm successful. I was not going to quit until I figured out what was wrong and sure enough I made it right.

Now I'm all set to have pictures taken of me in various outfits for the image consultant to review. Oh heck: I used to waver between then and now and wonder if it were any better back then. On a night like tonight I know it is better now in a different way.

D. once told me I brought my A game when we gave a talk. I would like to bring my A game to everything I do. That is how competitive I am. I compete against myself and no one else. I'm not content to settle or to rest on my laurels.

The friend was amazed I had my life planned out. She is young herself and kind and beautiful: a brave soul.

You have to give time time to work its wonders.

Well: I had the melted mudd cake for dessert with whipped cream.

You do not know when you are younger that one day you will be sitting in Yaffa Cafe having the mudd cake and talking about O. You do not know you have it in you to wait patiently until you figure out how to upload photos to a computer.

You listened to the AM radio that your aunt screeched was acid rock and so she turned the station to Golden Oldies driving in the car: Doo Wop.

You wrote an article in the school paper about how you loved rock-n-roll and the little fish-faced girl who loved disco pushed you to the ground and said disco rules.

Your remember all of this because you have a vivid memory as clear as the 12.2 mega pixel camera.

What next?

how now.

One day at a time.

Life rules.

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