Holiday Cheer

Holiday cheer:

The cognitive therapy has ended on a positive note. I've been empowered to make changes. It is the beginning of my new life and an upbeat outlook.

After the session, I stopped in Animated Closet to buy the multi-color scarf. I'll wear it on Friday when D. and I go into the City. It cost $5 more because the vendor raised the price and I didn't think that was fair yet the scarf was placed in a reusable eco tote bag so I felt I got something extra that was useful.

The Pond in Bryant Park is a free skating rink open to the public. I go back to the holiday fair on Friday with D though I won't buy anything else. We can get Belgian waffles for lunch and some apple cider.

His birthday dinner is my treat so I tell him he can order the lobster. Alas I'll most likely have shrimp because I cannot afford the lobster. I get my haircut that morning.

How is this: tomorrow even though I'm staying home I can wear the new scarf. Brilliant. I will also use the new purple pocketbook on Friday. I've taken to wearing my red short coat now as it nears December. The military jacket hangs in my closet and is ready to go. I could wear it on Thanksgiving.

The scarf hangs well and looks wonderful. I'm wearing it now. The scarf cheers me. It has pockets for your hands. The gift to myself for completing the therapy although dressing well is also a form of therapy, right?

Joy to the world.

Joy to you tonight.

I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Right now I will go sign off rather than write a long entry.

Cheers.

Mint

It cost a mint for pickup and delivery of the laundry because I also had the comforter washed.

Last night was not the night to cook so I ordered in crab meat-stuffed shrimp from an Italian restaurant because I wanted something different not the usual culinary fare. I have been under the weather and didn't have the energy to prepare a meal.

How to begin:

The other day I ventured into Rite Aid and bought a lipstick as if I needed to and couldn't live without it: Make Me Pink by Maybelline. It is one of the Color Sensational tubes that are a brilliant marketing ploy: the jewel-plum case is an art object you'll take pleasure in using and won't be embarrassed to show off. It looks richer than a usual drug store tube.

The color I bought was featured on a model in a fashion magazine and is a departure for me: 1960s pink. Though not as wild as the NARS color Schiap which was featured a while back in Real Simple magazine. I had debated buying Schiap when I had some extra money and it would have been too too Valley of the Dolls.

The Color Sensational lipstick tube is iconic.

I will wear this shade when I dress in black.

Just now I heard Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johanssen on the radio. She actually has a beautiful voice and I liked the song. I can receive clearly on my alarm clock radio 101.9 WRXP FM which bills itself as the Rock Experience. It's not radio sophie. I listen to it although it plays too much classic rock-n-roll for my liking.

Matt Pinfield spins music from 8 to 12 on Saturday nights and his show's play list is infinitely better plus the segues between songs are tight. He has a good intuition for mixing songs and none of them are duds. Pinfield used to spin records on FM 106.3 Modern Rock at the Jersey Shore. I stopped listening to that station when it turned to commercial music. Is it still broadcasting? I wonder.

For Tuesday's last session with the cognitive therapist I will use the new lipstick and wear a black sweater and the new gray scarf and jeans and the loafers. Animated Clothing beckons afterward.

This past week I gave my employer my life even though I was not at all well. That was a mistake. I will not do this again. Tomorrow I see Dr. Krall and ask her to give me an antibiotic and excuse me from work until Friday.

That is all I will tell you about this. You do not want to hear about this anymore.

So I will leave you to enjoy your evening.

Tootles.

Slinking Towards December

Last night I met someone at Bella Napoli for dinner.

The pocketbook vendors were out in full force on 49th Street only I don't buy from them as the plastic bags are expensive: $30 and up.

I've been worn and under the weather and canceled my plans with D. on Friday night. I feel I have to bring my A game every time I meet him. Will go to Dr. Krall on Monday if I'm not yet up to par by next week.

The guy left a message on my machine saying he enjoyed the evening and wanted to do it again.

Good: because I ended it quickly to take the train home and fell asleep before ten o'clock.

The Rat and Snake combo in the Chinese horoscope is rated three stars for its "alluring fascination."

He admitted when he first met me he thought I was 29! He felt better when I let slip I was 44. He said I have "striking" looks. That is the first time a guy ever told me that.

People with Gemini rising maintain their youthful looks throughout their lives. I have a friend who added me on Facebook and I knew it was only a matter of time before she would send me a message there asking how I manage to stay so young-looking. Sure enough I get the message. She doesn't believe in astrology so I told her only that it is because I never smoked and didn't drink and I eat healthful foods and drink plenty of water.

My head is fogged up and I will rest this weekend. I will send out my laundry to have it done and pick it up tomorrow night. Wanted to venture to the Bryant Park holiday fair on Sunday to see about buying something at the Animated Clothing vendor. You can also get Belgian waffles with Nutella and whipped cream at one of the other vendors. So if by Sunday I have the energy I will go there and if I don't I'll browse the shops on Tuesday morning after I end the cognitive therapy. The last session is Tuesday.

Yes: I believe Kate chimed in with a comment to the last blog entry asking about what cognitive therapy is like. Would it sound poetic to say it hot-wired my brain and revved it up in a way I couldn't on my own? For the past five years I haven't been able to shake a false belief. The new therapist composed the sessions with the idea that what goes on was a form of OCD. Five years when it first started I suspected it was a form of OCD.

Also: the idea of accepting all your thoughts was touched on at the end of Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now. I had written about this before in a SharePost or two at the Connection: what we resist, persists. I'm better able to allow these thoughts to come into my head without judging them or trying to control them or halt them. I suppose it is the equivalent of noticing your breath during a yoga pose. The whole of the success of acceptance is to notice a thought when it comes on and allow it to come and go.

You can read about the cognitive therapy on the weekend of December 5 and 6 when I post a SharePost on it at the Connection.

The thoughts were like an alarm bell going off only it sent a false alarm because I was not in danger. The cognitive therapy was a way to change my perception to realize I was not in danger. You do homework assignments like exposures and imaginals.

Alas: I will not ride the trains on Sunday. I'm unwell and will stay in the apartment this weekend. I can go to the holiday fair on Tuesday after my last therapy session.

This much I know: I will not kow-tow to public opinion.

I'm unconventional and live my life left of the dial. I do not seek other people's approval. I would not have gotten where I am today if I let other people convince me it could not be done. The only person I have to prove anything to is myself.

Yes: the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself.

So take risks that other people would be afraid to take.

Imagine instead of agonize. Do instead of dream.

That is the secret of life and of recovery:

To dare.

I always thought that when I die my tombstone should read:

She dared.

Or: here lies a woman who dared.

Enough said.

The woman who dared is going to lie down in bed now.

I don't have the energy to continue in here.

Monday I see Dr. Krall.

Be well folks.

Be well.

Terminal Joy

The holidays are upon us!

This morning I browsed the Bryant Park vendors after exiting the cognitive therapist's office. I went home with a slubby gray-black scarf and wrapped up in the City early enough to come home and type in here.

On the weekend Dmitri drove us to Tanoreen. New York magazine rated this Middle Eastern "best cheap eats." A plaque on the wall reads: "Pray for peace in Jerusalem." We had the shrimp in garlic sauce with Egyptian rice-and-vermicelli. I had the pureed pumpkin soup and he had the baklava. The restaurant is crowded and loud. It's recommended you try the lamb dishes however I don't eat lamb or duck or any of those other meats.

Friday in the Esprit store I found a sporty purple pocketbook I will wear on Saturday when I venture into the City again.

I've begun working on the inspiration board: it has a photo of me in Italy wearing a red sweater and a photo of me in London wearing a red coat; also a photo of me in the red Soho jacket holding a coffee mug in front of the defunct Lolabelle's.

I'll pick up a red paint swatch or two to include on the cork board. This color figures prominently because the theme of my life now is "meditation in movement" and red is a passionate color.

Hello! I believe I told you all this already, right? I also stuck on the board the purple pin with the white letters announcing funky but chic. I'm pulled towards a trendier style and I'm not sure why. The scarf is classic and I may wear it tomorrow to meet Oliver.

Saturday I pick up the military jacket from the tailor and buy the Zig Ziglar book, Embrace the Struggle: Living Life on Life's Terms. I had ordered the book from the bookstore and it arrived last week.

Life takes off from here: I fly away, like the girl in the song "And She Was" by the Talking Heads. That was the first song I ever played on the radio.

Ladies: I bought for $5 Sephora nail polish in the tiny container, a pink polish that goes on well-highly recommended. I gave myself a manicure last night and it came out wonderful. I wear the black leather skirt, patent leather loafers, black Esprit turtleneck and the pink Oxford shirt.

Whatever will be will be. I can't know what the future holds or predict what's to happen. I don't believe in happy endings-the miraculous swoop down and eternal change. That is all I can tell you: I don't expect much to change though I will make the effort. I'm willing to take risks. So perhaps I can hold out for a miracle. It would be an accidental miracle though. An unexpected side effect.

This is all mysterious, no? Well I hold out this hope. My joy has returned like the cheerful season. On Saturday I return to see if I can pick up a scarf at the Animated Clothing booth. I saw a nice working out tank topthere as well; alas, it was $35 and I don't have that kind of money. I will see when the weekend comes how much I can justify spending. It would be super if I could buy the tank top so I might switch up to that.

The cognitive therapy has ended. It worked out well. Now is the time to be my own therapist. I understand so well that each of us has the power to create lasting change.

Will see how it goes. I wish I knew for certain how my life will turn out. The best I can do is reach out instead of going within. People rely on me to be their rock. It is not a responsibility I take lightly. So I take care of myself first: next week I return to the gym.

You see how it is:

This is what it's like when your feet touch the ground:

You are invincible.

Rant

Don't get me started again on my mission to abolish low rise jeans from Loft and Ann Taylor where it seems the only jeans they sell "sit low on the waist." Why? Do women really revel in flashing their lower back to people? How could that be? Reaching up or bending down to pick up books I do not want to reveal my skin. Is that too much to ask? I was in Ann Taylor yesterday and asked how I could lodge a formal complaint. I was referred to (800) DIAL-ANN which I feel is a cop-out. Obviously the store is not going to change their ways: it is apparent to them that most women want to flash their backside. If the low rise jeans fly off the shelves, that's all that will be offered in the stores. I might just have to resort to Land's End.

There you go. That's all I have to say on the matter.

Peace out,
Chris