Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Slinking Towards December

Last night I met someone at Bella Napoli for dinner.

The pocketbook vendors were out in full force on 49th Street only I don't buy from them as the plastic bags are expensive: $30 and up.

I've been worn and under the weather and canceled my plans with D. on Friday night. I feel I have to bring my A game every time I meet him. Will go to Dr. Krall on Monday if I'm not yet up to par by next week.

The guy left a message on my machine saying he enjoyed the evening and wanted to do it again.

Good: because I ended it quickly to take the train home and fell asleep before ten o'clock.

The Rat and Snake combo in the Chinese horoscope is rated three stars for its "alluring fascination."

He admitted when he first met me he thought I was 29! He felt better when I let slip I was 44. He said I have "striking" looks. That is the first time a guy ever told me that.

People with Gemini rising maintain their youthful looks throughout their lives. I have a friend who added me on Facebook and I knew it was only a matter of time before she would send me a message there asking how I manage to stay so young-looking. Sure enough I get the message. She doesn't believe in astrology so I told her only that it is because I never smoked and didn't drink and I eat healthful foods and drink plenty of water.

My head is fogged up and I will rest this weekend. I will send out my laundry to have it done and pick it up tomorrow night. Wanted to venture to the Bryant Park holiday fair on Sunday to see about buying something at the Animated Clothing vendor. You can also get Belgian waffles with Nutella and whipped cream at one of the other vendors. So if by Sunday I have the energy I will go there and if I don't I'll browse the shops on Tuesday morning after I end the cognitive therapy. The last session is Tuesday.

Yes: I believe Kate chimed in with a comment to the last blog entry asking about what cognitive therapy is like. Would it sound poetic to say it hot-wired my brain and revved it up in a way I couldn't on my own? For the past five years I haven't been able to shake a false belief. The new therapist composed the sessions with the idea that what goes on was a form of OCD. Five years when it first started I suspected it was a form of OCD.

Also: the idea of accepting all your thoughts was touched on at the end of Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now. I had written about this before in a SharePost or two at the Connection: what we resist, persists. I'm better able to allow these thoughts to come into my head without judging them or trying to control them or halt them. I suppose it is the equivalent of noticing your breath during a yoga pose. The whole of the success of acceptance is to notice a thought when it comes on and allow it to come and go.

You can read about the cognitive therapy on the weekend of December 5 and 6 when I post a SharePost on it at the Connection.

The thoughts were like an alarm bell going off only it sent a false alarm because I was not in danger. The cognitive therapy was a way to change my perception to realize I was not in danger. You do homework assignments like exposures and imaginals.

Alas: I will not ride the trains on Sunday. I'm unwell and will stay in the apartment this weekend. I can go to the holiday fair on Tuesday after my last therapy session.

This much I know: I will not kow-tow to public opinion.

I'm unconventional and live my life left of the dial. I do not seek other people's approval. I would not have gotten where I am today if I let other people convince me it could not be done. The only person I have to prove anything to is myself.

Yes: the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself.

So take risks that other people would be afraid to take.

Imagine instead of agonize. Do instead of dream.

That is the secret of life and of recovery:

To dare.

I always thought that when I die my tombstone should read:

She dared.

Or: here lies a woman who dared.

Enough said.

The woman who dared is going to lie down in bed now.

I don't have the energy to continue in here.

Monday I see Dr. Krall.

Be well folks.

Be well.

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