Monday, December 14, 2009

Lady With a Spinning Head

A new day.

Last night I nixed buying the skirts I wanted and anyway one of them wasn't available in my size. I threw out a $20 off coupon not expecting to use it and alas I could have used it.

The skirts I wanted to buy to wear to impress a guy. One of the skirts is in my size so I'll see if today I return to the website and buy only that one.

I've scanned this blog to scrutinize its contents and so far I feel it's been OK what I wrote. You see I wouldn't ever sell myself short. I would also let other people shine. The astrologer told me, "You have something useful to give others in a world where despair is the order of the day."

I tell you I spent two hours editing Friday's blog entry. Originally I covered no new ground. I felt there was only one way I could spin something I had written so I deleted it. Will begin again now to tell you in a different way: The shop owner of the housewares store knows me by name. I bought an over-the-door hook to place in the bedroom closet to hang things from. This freed up space on the rod so I could hang on the rod the skirts I want to buy. This little feminist wants to impress a guy by wearing the short skirts. I meet him again on Wednesday night. So this is a new spin on the old topic of my love of organizing. Otherwise on Friday I had tread the same dirt road.

Well: I splurged on a shorter skirt as well as the flannel black skirt I wanted which was 19 inches. The shorter one is 17 1/2 inches. I go back to the housewares store tomorrow to buy a set of hangers to use for these items.

Am I fastidious? I would like to think I'm not. There's a difference between being well-organized and micromanaging the details of your wardrobe. I have talked in here of my fascination with women I call living museums because they are perfectly coiffed and groomed and wear good clothes and carry the expensive pocketbooks when I see them on the streets of the City.

fastidious: very attentive to and concerned about accuracy and detail. very concerned about cleanliness.

So in this regard I'm not fastidious though I'm aware of the details of outfits that make them stand out. To be honest I'm not obsessed with cleanliness. I seem to remember reading the words of a writer who wrote about a woman with "fastidious assemblages of clothing" or some such thing which is why I always thought this word had something to do with demeanor.

So we will throw out this word in here and replace it with something else: devotion to dress. Kind of like a faith in how you present yourself to the world.

Have I been too strict in this interpretation in the blog? Talking about taking risks as something a person must do. Please forgive me. I've skimmed the past two months of blog entries and I realize I have come on strong at times. Especially with the bit about not watching Gilligan's Island re-runs. I wasn't the first person to make this analogy though: someone I interviewed for a magazine made this analogy four years ago.

The one thing I stand by is reaching upward even if you can't reach all the way for the sky. Bill MacPhee-the founder and publisher of SZ magazine-is quoted: "The point is not to set the bar high but to set it." So choosing modest and realistic goals to accomplish is the best way to approach making changes in your life.

My goals for 2010 are simple: get a literary agent and see where it goes with the new guy. I cannot realistically hurtle towards another galaxy right now. I can do only what I can do as even this morning when I leave you here I have to work at one of my other jobs. The shoes I wear are tight and hard to walk in at times. I very much take each day as it comes. Years ago I abandoned the idea that I would go to FIT to get a diploma in image consulting though I toyed with doing that. It could be something for when I retire.

Too much: this is too much. I do all this because it is preferable to being alone with my thoughts. Do you understand how this could be that I prance around this way? I do not want to give you the impression that this all comes easy to me. I made the hard choice to do all this work as a defense against the symptoms of the schizophrenia. That is always the battle: to fight this cruel illness and be the last one standing.

So you see really I have no option but to charge on. And the new skirts and the hope and this blog and this life are ways of charging on in the face of devastation. Down the road I go skipping this beat and extending my hand to bring up others because there is no shame and you don't have to feel guilty about having a diagnosis.

Yesterday a friend called who told me some peers are treated poorly by their own families after getting sick. I could not imagine that however it is too often true. So I couldn't turn someone away who wanted to get better and had no support otherwise. The concept of adopting a "family of choice" holds true for those of us whose real families abandon us.

The holiday season is supposed to be one of cheer and that too for a lot of people is a sad season instead. It is why now and always I seek to offer you and others and everyone hope because hope is the ultimate coping skill.

I've skirted things in here again it seems even though I was trying to explain to you why I do all this. Somebody has to do this. I'm sitting at the computer moving 90 miles an hour in my brain. At noon I will go do the work that I let slide over the weekend. There is always work to do. I take on this work as I said as a defense against the schizophrenia.

So I have decided I will travel on vacation in the spring and travel abroad for New Year's 2011. I cannot lie on that couch. The couch is not an option and I have gotten flak for this stance and I know I will continue to get flak for it.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me if I have come on too strong. Trust me I feel it is presumptuous to assume everyone needs fixing or needs to change. I'm one person like a spinning top dynamo yet I always want to learn about what makes other people tick or spin too. I wouldn't dare expect that I know what is best for you or anyone else. How you execute the terms of your recovery is an individual matter. I would love to hear from other people what kinds of coping skills they use.

This is about all I can give you now as I have perhaps painted myself into a corner.

The bell rang and it was the UPS guy and he delivered the Barbie doll and accessories set that is my niece's Christmas gift.

I'm going to wind down here and see what else I can do.

Feel free to swat me with a figurative pocketbook when I go down a certain road.

I am Napolitan and Calabrese and Sicilian so not only am I a teste dura from every angle I'm a super hard head when it comes to thinking I know what works.

Also feel free to chime in with your own stories by posting comments to this blog.

Now I will go leave you as I have no energy to continue.

Enjoy your day.

No comments: