Heavenly

Ciao.

I'm home: where I want to be.

Mom met me at the dentist's office to give me a one-foot Christmas tree that I placed on top of the revolving CD rack. I had a puffy left side of my mouth as the cavity was filled. The needle was painless.

On my way home I bought a striped green gold brown table runner that I use with the new antique ivory tablecloth. I changed the turquoise patina candlesticks to the crystal ones and placed the mini wreaths around the candles. A clear round vase in the middle of the table completes the winter look.

Yes: I tidied up the table and cleared off documents and books to keep it neat and festive.

While in the store I also bought a medium-sized wooden tray with a pattern of lemons on the serving area. I plan to use this if I ever eat dinner at my computer or if I'm sitting in the living room watching TV. The yellow pattern is cheerful and the tray was reduced to under $10.

The line was long waiting in the store. I had originally gone in to buy a pizza cutter and alas they were out of stock on that item. A search of the stockroom was fruitless.

I give Oliver the first chapter of my second book so he can give me feedback. He was interested in reading it and I will risk allowing him to do so. He is a person who is in the market of readers for this book so I will tell him to give me an honest critique.

We met last Wednesday at the Washington Square Coffeehouse.

I told him that when I was in grad school I worked full-time and took two courses a semester and spent 40 hours a semester writing editing reporting for and publishing Keyword, the library science program newsletter. I was also a member of the Student Association and chaired its lecture series. In my last semester I won a $2,000 law librarian scholarship. Alas I did not continue in that field because I was passed over for a promotion at the law library where I worked and so I decided to find another job.

At about the same time [the fall of 1999] I met a woman who worked at the library of a famous American fashion designer and she regaled me with a similar tale of working at a law firm and not being able to get ahead because the female director would not promote her. When I met S. she was wearing an espresso brown suit cut dangerously close to her curves. As it turned out when I graduated school I interviewed at that design house library and did not get the position. Surely wearing a navy blue conservative suit did not make me stand out from the crowd.

Yes: even fashion houses have libraries. As do museums advertising firms brokerage houses and medical schools. They are what is known as special libraries as opposed to public or academic libraries.

I was also lucky because I received a $600 tuition waver each semester because my undergraduate GPA was above a 3.5. You were able to shave $100 per credit off your tuition if your undergraduate GPA was a 3.5 or higher. So as soon as I sat in the chair across from my adviser to register for the new semester I would tell him to get out the form to fill out to enable me to obtain the tuition waiver. My first semester at school I was a graduate assistant in the computer lab so that gave me $1,000 to use towards the tuition.

You would of course not do what I did while I was in grad school: burn the midnight oil doing schoolwork because I had the active calendar I told you about four paragraphs ago. Sometimes when I remember my time at library school I'm amazed I did all that. How could one person in her right mind possibly take on all that activity?

Today is no different only I set limits and turn in to bed earlier so I can get a good night's sleep. Yet always I would not know how to sit still because I'm a fidget and always on the go. What I did in grad school "established the floor" so to speak of what I would be able to do for the rest of my life. I would not have to work at a job that made me miserable just to pay the rent and buy clothes and put food on the table.

Only now I set the bar higher even today when I could rest on my laurels: I have the goal of going back to school for a Masters in Rehab Counseling so I can become a vocational counselor for people with disabilities. I am not sure I will ever quit striving to achieve things. I love a challenge. So I can't guarantee to you that I won't push myself to the limit again.

How does someone diagnosed with schizophrenia manage not to crack up doing all these things? Well: possibly I have a stronger constitution because I'm a Classic and an INTJ so I don't consider myself to be someone who gets stressed out easily. Mere civilians would be satisfied to stay at home watching TV all night. On the other hand when I'm done typing in here I will work at my second job for an hour and only then call it quits.

Please folks: this blog entry should come with the disclaimer: don't try this at home.

I'm fond of telling you I'm a strange girl who leads an unconventional life. I would not be able to entertain any other kind of life than the one I lead now. When I was 23 I was presented with an unimaginable life that I chose not to accept: relying on a $700-a-month government disability check. I saw that future and I bolted from it.

Mom told me once she was glad I didn't settle for less.

I would tell any of you that even if reaching high isn't an option that reaching upward is always a noble goal. Aim for the stars because you can always fall back on the moon. The gutter is not an avenue any of us should consider. We will fail at some things and fail again at other things on our way to finding our niche in the world.

One word describes the day we find our niche:

Heavenly.