Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Jimmy Choos

The table top easel should arrive soon.

I go to Pearl Paint to buy dippers and other supplies. Would love to do a self-portrait in oils-I could work my way up to that. For now I paint colors because it is all I can do.

I'm on to the next thing in my head: the desire to get an MSW has hit with a gale force. I have to cool out now and first concentrate on publishing the memoir and the second book. I will never not be driven. So I chill out and wait five years to see what I do.

I confessed to a friend tonight that it was shameful to me to think I would have to collect a government disability check the rest of my life. I realize I was entitled to that check because I paid into the system however when I got sick I received only $423 a month from the government. When I lived in the halfway house I existed on $100 personal allowance each month after the rent and staff fees were paid with my SSD and SSI checks. Not only was I ashamed to collect a check it would've meant I lived below the poverty line.

I wouldn't judge someone else for collecting a check because that is their choice and sometimes it's out of their hands and they have no choice because they can't work and are entitled to benefits.

Well living on $100 per month I decided wasn't acceptable to me. Now here I am writing this blog and doing a hundred other things like a woman on the edge of her life always pushing herself beyond her comfort zone. I think it is actually a yoga term to talk about going to your edge.

Jean Cocteau is quoted: "Only by going too far can you possibly know how far you can go." Some people give up before they even start which is sad indeed.

Tonight I have no energy and I feel like I'm a mad woman who is possessed. Creating the timetable for making the coming changes has zapped my energy so I walked away from the notebook and shortly I will walk away from the computer.

I cannot tell you why I do all this except that I'm a fidget and can't sit still. Even today my couch is the most comfortable furniture in my apartment and I don't even sit on it. I'm reminded of the Jennifer Lopez song in which she boasts "Ten men couldn't do what I do in my YSLs."

Faith Popcorn got it right over 10 years ago when she wrote the book about the She-volution: the revolution of women as an economic power and force to be reckoned with.

I have ravaged myself tonight: I fear I won't be able to fall asleep when I go to bed.

This is how. I burst out. Into a Swan. Like the Siouxsie lyrics.

It is beyond my control. I'm mad I tell you: I'm a mad woman in my genetic code.

So I will go sign off now before I reach the point of no return.

Make mine Jimmy Choos.

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