Sunday, March 7, 2010

Walk the Line


I talk to R. about how to continue in light of my goal of going back to school.

Peers are not paid well as peer advocates and I cannot afford to be linked in an employer's mind as someone who is a peer or else I'll ruin my chances of a professional career where I'm judged on my own merit. This is the reality folks.

I do what I do now because as a writer I need a platform in order to be able to sell my books to a publisher. I'm not going to give up on selling my memoir and the second book. I feel strongly that I deserve to publish these books. I feel that hell-and-heartache stories are given favorable press-and if other people can publish such memoirs why can't I publish mine? So I will not back down and will not give up on my dream of getting published.

The thing is: I'm not some curiosity to be taken out of a cabinet and put on display. I resist having other people tell me "You've done very well for someone who has schizophrenia." This is the truth at the end of the day however it gives me no comfort. I risked global disclosure because that is what I had to do to develop a platform to sell my books. I took this risk because it mattered to me that I couldn't remain silent. So we will see whether this comes back to haunt me in 10 years when I go back to school.

A friend admired me because it seemed to her I could be open and honest and people accepted me anyhow. This is all an illusion I realize because things could change.

I walk the line every day.

I'm not naive. So I talk to this guy tonight to ask him how he thinks I can approach my future goals. I will listen to what he has to say and accept his prognosis. It might turn out that doors are closed for me. I'm reminded that I'm not immune from discrimination. So I will have to be careful because of the tendency of employers to a priori eliminate the competition. I will have to do what it takes to sell myself without a shadow of a doubt raised in their minds.

That is all I can tell you now because I have no hope as I write this.

Wish me good luck because I'll certainly need it.


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