Friday, May 21, 2010


This is the day: today. We have only one day. Today. It's the only day that matters.

The concept of spring cleaning resonates with me now. I have a pile of folded pants and jeans on the floor next to my bed waiting to be steamed free of wrinkles. The winter comforter was replaced with the Asian floral bed spread and matching shams.

It is supposed to be 82 degrees today. I wear a long brown skirt, white tee shirt with rosettes, and a tiny brown cardigan. The John Hardy style ring. The new matte oval earrings I bought in Boston.

Already: I would like to not wear the boyfriend jeans outside of the apartment. They have tears in them the intended effect yet suddenly I feel like a slob wearing them in public. Which will happen when you wear them with a tee shirt.

Do you see?

It is time to retire the jeans and the black cropped jeans. I can wear them inside with my creativity tee shirt when I'm doing my writing. I call the tee shirt my creativity tee shirt because it is taxi cab yellow and has a taxi on the front and in the back it lists the charges for a ride in a New York City cab. To me that kind of yellow is a creative color. Thus I wear the tee shirt to be inspired to write.

The memories will always creep in: how you seem normal yet your mind is tearing, slowly, your sanity the perforated edge. You will remember everything that happened for as long as you live.

The time has come to let go and let life tell you what you are supposed to do.

Even now: another memory. You cannot divest yourself of the memories just yet.

Does it matter? Yes it does: I could masquerade as a normal person while inside my mind I was not well.

Do you need proof? Read my memoir, Left of the Dial, when it's published. You will see the song remains: the after tune as I near however remotely my crone or wise woman years.

When all else fails: lipstick.

I bought myself a tube from the MAC store: Rebel.

Tomorrow I wear my contact lenses and the rebel lipstick. A sign: I live my life left of the dial.

You are young.

The music matters.

The clothes are all you have.

I remember the summer of sadness when I realized that life was gone: the record had ended and the needle returned to its place.

Now I listen to Matt Pinfield spin music on a Saturday night. You can hear him streaming live on from eight to midnight too. He might even play your request.

Another lipstick I like is Viva Glam 3 and I might go back for that when one of the lipsticks I own now is done with. I bought the C3 Studio Fix foundation compact with the gift card C. gave me for my birthday.

So tomorrow I get dolled up to go out.

It seems irrefutable: you can recover from schizophrenia. Most people do.

I take nothing for granted. I live knowing that the tide could turn again. I do everything possible to live life well while I'm fortunate enough to have this life.

You are given only one day: today. The future will take care of itself. You must live for today.

Only this matters: to cheer people while you're here.

Am I a rebel? Possibly. I have a different way of looking at things. Long ago I went down a road that most people diagnosed with schizophrenia would not go down. That made all the difference.

To quote Lorene Carey: when there is no road you make a road. Do I remember this quote right? We learn by going where we have to go.

I will always hold out the hope that people living with schizophrenia can do well. Make no mistake about it I didn't choose this life: it was the life given to me. It is not entirely my own to do with as I please.

Only this is how I succeeded: I will tell you this secret: I was a rebel. I rebelled the life that was expected of someone in my situation.

I hope by reading this blog you are so inspired to dream.

Now I will go sign off.

Enjoy your night.

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