Lit

The silvered branches of trees dot the landscape in a pointillist way. I'm reminded of a cold Giverny. So bone-chilled this morning that I thought frostbite had claimed my fingers because even under my gloves they were icicles. Hard to believe it's spring in seven weeks. I hold out the hope for warmer weather soon.

Tonight I meet D. I have some extra money so will buy new hot pink towels to replace the grotty old celadon ones and beige ones. I will see if I can get some pink LaCoste towels too. To usher in the spring with good cheer.

I'm making Annie's Naturals organic whole wheat macaroni-and-cheese now. I steal minutes to type in here as the water boils. A watched pot never boils. I'll have this late lunch with some peach iced tea I poured into one of the stemless wine glasses. I bought a set of small and large stemless wine glasses seven years ago when I received a generous check for a speaking engagement.

Tomorrow I cook blueberry muffins from a recipe an amateur baker gave me to try. I'll see how they come out. I can have a warm one for lunch with milk. All I do tomorrow is the treadmill and laundry.

radio sophie is my companion now.

It feels like tonight is going to be good. I'll listen to Matt Pinfield on WRXP play good songs from the 1980s and today with a spattering of old rock and other eras. He was billed as the "bald music savant" by another disc jockey on that station. He used to spin records on FM 106.3 when it used to be Modern Rock at the Jersey Shore-a good station years ago. I listened to it until the station changed its format. I would stay up until three in the morning at my old apartment listening to the radio. Those days are gone. That is when the Stelazine was still working and I was much younger and could do those things.

Time changes us. Memory is my anchor that keeps me grounded. History would repeat itseslf should I forget the past and what happened to me. Instead I'm aware what I must do to stay healthy: get to bed early and eat healthful foods and work at the jobs I love and get physical activity every day. This is how now I do things.

______________________________


I did 30 minutes on the treadmill at a 5.5 incline and 3.4 speed. I don't know if that is good or not however it's what I can do now. D. tells me I look athletic and this pleases me because I can fit into my clothes.

Bought: a pair of navy and a pair of black sweatpants plus a black Nike tee shirt with bold black letters that proclaim Just Do It plus a green I Love Brooklyn tee shirt.

Stayed up late working on a project to help get O. a job. He told me I was a real friend to help him with this. I sure hope he gets it because it is his dream job. Imagine if I were his girlfriend he'd have a sweetheart deal.

Tomorrow I wear a short skirt.

Friend indeed.

Now I will go sign off for the night as it nears eleven o'clock and I must wind down.

Cheers.

Lucky

OK: Tonight I'm steamed like a little neck clam. Publishing the memoir requires strong tactics and I will employ them quickly.

I finished reading Lit by Mary Karr who is a prose stylist nonpareil. I read her memoirs The Liar's Club and Cherry years ago and bought them for my collection. She outdoes herself with Lit. I cried so hard at the end that I could taste the salt of my tears.

Oh: I would like to write one sentence as good as hers.

These days I have begun to spend refining and defining my life. The soundtrack to this soul-searching is "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam that comes on the radio every day. Eddie Vedder croons about how he's a lucky man to count on both hands the ones he loves. In the coming years I hope to be so fortunate.

Yes: I will bend in the direction life dictates. I will love and lose people as we all do and I will walk on. It nears midnight as I write this swaddled in three layers because the apartment is so cold. The heat of the computer warms me whereas sitting at the dining table I was much colder eating dinner.

I have a theory that you can count on one hand the number of good friends you have.

I will do what I have to do to publish the memoir. I have a friend with an MBA who can help me write the marketing plan and I enlist his services in the spring.

My gosh: I wrote 30 blog entries in 30 days at the start of the 3 personal year so I've gotten off to a good start creatively. My mantra this year is: "Have fun!"

You will see universal themes touched on in JM. I choose not to blabber about insecurities and personal details though I could possibly do that as other bloggers have done so without qualms. Yet I won't. You can quote me on this.

Blogging your life it's like you're a fly in amber sealed in time and space that others peer at on the Internet. I have told you before I'm conflicted about the big reveal. Above all I want to entertain and educate you and do only this: word-by-word in living color.

My computer clock beckons 12:10 AM and so I will write for only a bit more and then go to bed. I urge you to listen to "Just Breathe" and even to download it on iTunes to your computer. I saw Pearl Jam live in concert at the Limelight in April 1992 just three months before I had to be hospitalized the second time. It was their first American concert and the former church was packed with an eclectic crowd. That event became a scene in the memoir.

Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful to count the ones you love. Read Lit and be transformed by the ending of Mary Karr's latest memoir.

This morning as I write the opposing forces of sadness and joy have loomed themselves into cloth like a jubilant sari.

Tell the people you love often that you love them.

That is why we are here: to love and be loved.

I see in my mind now pink and saffron and mint colors bursting into song.

These are the lyrics of my life: a pop song.

Bubblegum.

The Secret of Life

Forgive others. To not forgive them is to give them power over you. Nobody wears anger well. When you are drenched in anger you remain stuck. Either get over it or you'll just keep wallowing in a pity party. Anger does not become us it imprisons us. Take control.
Choose to forgive. Forgive others. That is the secret of life.

Epilogue

One last thing:

I was listening without judgment to a friend on the phone and then while writing the last blog entry it came to me in a flash:

We must forgive God.

I believe that everything that happened to me was part of a plan. I do not question God whereas a lot of people pin down human suffering on him. The friend felt I had overcome the diagnosis and turned it to my advantage.

Some people blame God. I do not. I've read The Way of Thomas and have come to understand that human beings are flawed and Jesus tried to get us to see the error of our ways and we rejected his teachings.

The schizophrenia: having it and being given it seems so unfair yet I don't deal in fairness. I believe I can go out and make things fair by lobbying others to choose recovery. I can help level the playing field by working as a mental health activist.

Only this too: recovery is our number-one job. It is our job to better ourselves and in so doing we make the world a better place.

Truly healing begins when we decide to love ourselves and live our lives with empathy for others.

So I urge you:

Forgive God.

Geodon Baby Blues

Train is on the radio now.

This is going to be a short blog entry. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill tonight.

I'm reminded of a woman I stopped being friends with who told me: "I hope you find what you're looking for." It sounded like she was quoting U2 lyrics.

I'm not looking anymore. If this is as good as it gets so be it. So be it.

A woman must leave the era before it leaves her. I only reluctantly moved on in my mid thirties. Looking back I see it was a long road I took.

What could I tell you?

The atypical I'm on is like a miracle drug.

I don't believe your brain can change its tune quickly or even in five years or 10 years after you have a breakdown. I remember everything because I have a photographic memory. So I can tell you to wait patiently to see lasting results. The change won't come easy however it will come. I can honestly tell you that the Geodon is as close to a cure as I could ever have. Legally: I'm required at this point to tell you that no drug company pays me money or compensates me otherwise to make this claim. I'm not a spokesperson for Pfizer. Only: I'm a person who had near-miraculous success with that drug as soon as I was placed on it and over two years later it has gotten even better.

You can't expect immediate results. Also: sometimes cognitive therapy could be of benefit in conjunction with the medication. You MUST give time time to work its wonders. Nothing worth having comes without effort. I cannot tell you to give up the hope that things can change. You have to ask yourself if you fear change because in some way you might be blocked. Standing still is not an option for anyone who seeks to recover.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? You must move forward. You must let go of the past. You must have faith even when recovery feels like a long shot.

Recovery is possible.

You might rightly ask me how I can say it took me nearly two decades to get here. You would think it isn't fair that someone has to wait that long. You would be tempted to give up and I would tell you not to settle for the status quo. I would tell you to expect a better tomorrow in a realistic way and to keep hopeful that change is possible.

Years ago I interviewed a woman who said that one day out of the blue she realized things were better. You would understand my worldview if you had walked in my shoes all these years: you would remember everything too and the details would flood your memory.

So I could pinpoint when this happened for me: when I went on the atypical.

I told a friend on the phone tonight that most people don't realize that recovery from schizophrenia is not only possible it's probable and we should reach beyond what's merely acceptable and aim for the stars instead of settling for less.

Possibly only someone with a matching set of hangers would parrot this philosophy. More likely I believe this to be true because I know one thing: memories don't lie. You're left holding the truth of what happened in your mind.

Quite frankly I'm someone for whom good enough was never good enough and I doubt good enough will ever be good enough for me. I'm like that Uncle Ben's housewife who keeps striving to cook the perfect rice that I alluded to in a previous blog entry.

So you see this is why I say it took me 20 years to cook the perfect recovery: I can remember how the schizophrenia played out in my twenties and early thirties and I know it wasn't until recently that things simmered down.

I wanted to write this blog entry to give you some hope that it isn't over until we're no longer here. Also because people with schizophrenia fight some kind of battle every day and we deserve recognition for the effort it takes to be well.

Right now I can tell you this: it gets better with time. That's all I'm saying. You cannot speed the process. Also: we cannot use external measures of success as the tape measure of how far we've come [like a career or house or car]. For someone with schizophrenia I can say my true victory came with freedom of the mind-and the Geodon gave me that freedom.

It is why I will not go back in time and continue to listen to music like the Alternate Side.

It is why I will go to my grave championing immediate intervention with medication and therapy when someone is diagnosed with schizophrenia.

It is why living in the middle appeals to me now.

You do not know the memories that brought me to this point because the details I will not share. Only know this: I have spent all my adult life living with the schizophrenia. I turn 45 in the spring. I don't want to spend the rest of my life immured to resentment or fear or anger or worry.

I propose for all of us a better way to live: with compassion and forgiveness.

It nears midnight and I will go wind down now.

Trust me: I can't get a certain memory out of my head. You might think this is a minor thing however to me it is not. And true: as the years pass we become ourselves only better. So wisdom itself is like a drug that helps us heal. We gain the insight and a light bulb goes off in our head.

I think I'm going to have a huge electric bill this month.

Peace out.