3 CDs: Patti Smith Pearl Jam Sade. A silver ring with a purple stone that the street fair vendor claimed was .925. The poetry book The Brother Inside Me.
I read a short scene from Left of the Dial at the poetry reading. The women in the audience loved what I read. Even among the Italians I feel like an outsider.
Eddie and I ducked into the Spanish restaurant afterward for dinner. We gave each other the high five before parting ways.
What do I know? You live with this. You live through it. You reconcile your checkbook in your head so you'll be able to buy the CDs. You remember the leap you took 20 years ago that enabled you to buy CDs every so often. It is the Twentieth Anniversary of Your First Job so you have been employed two decades.
That is my life: the life I chose in August 1990 when I went down this lonely road. Now I'm a voyager traveling with kindred spirits. I don't go by age or race or ethnicity. One of my best friends was once a woman who collected a disability check and watched WWF every Saturday. A friend once told me I embrace other people's differences.
Would I go as far as to say that? I would not want to puff myself up that way. It comes down to this: I have no expectations that people be other than who they are. A person who likes herself will be able to accept people without trying to change them.
So the short of it is that life can be painful living with the SZ and you know that life isn't perfect and neither are you.
I wrote in my notebook that God is my lantern on this long road.
It comes down to fifty extra dollars to buy the CDs and a royal obscene tip that Eddie and I give the waiter in the restaurant.
Your sorrow is real and so is your joy.
Tomorrow I will listen to the Pearl Jam CD before I head out.
I cannot tell you that it gets easier although in most ways it does.
You cherish your friends and your loved ones because they have traveled with you down this road.
Life is good. I would tell you that life is always good.
Be brave and live your life with passion.
It is not that I don't suffer. It is that I see no reason in dwelling on the pain.
I would not judge someone else unless I had walked in their moccasins along this road.
Do not be fooled: we have the choice: to do what life demands of us or to live in fear.
I suggest we take action to live true and to accept that this is not something we asked for or deserved or wanted yet we can make of it something positive.
In the end:
You have one day in time like a snowflake to treasure and catch before it slips by.
A day unlike any other to rejoice in because God made this day just for you.
In some ways it gets easier. In some ways it is always a challenge.
Listen to the music. Dance as if no one is watching you. Live true.
NO ONE LISTENS… - I I have been able to speak now for at least a month, but before that there were four months of what I can only call subconsciously self-impose...
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