D'Lightful

"The weather outside is frightful."

I leave in an hour to travel to see Dr. Altman.

I'm going to make this a D'Lightful day because what else can I do?

"The reality is . . ."

You get up each day and do what you have to do.

Would like to request that if you know of any good blogs written by people with schizophrenia [they could be schizophrenia blogs, though they don't have to be] I'm interested in getting the URLs so that I can read them and possibly link to them.

I feel like you absolutely don't care that I'm buying a pair of petite dark jeans or using a salad spinner to create crisp, fresh salad. I would love to branch out and make Joyful Music a truly memorable blog you come back to again and again for comfort like a cashmere sweater.

So because I'm one person with her own slant, I want to read, and I'm sure you'd like to read, people with other perspectives. One blog I can't link to because of my involvement with the Connection, otherwise I would link to her in a heartbeat.

If you write an independent blog, however, I'd love to consider you or someone else who keeps their own private blog to include in my list of links. Key word in that sentence: independent. I've just finished creating a Blog Roll for you to enjoy of links to other blogs. A new one is Ashley's who I link to because I want her to be included. She's a good soul, so surf on over and read her blog, Overcoming Schizophrenia.

Yes, I want to spice it up. Give you a multiplex of options to choose from. I will review the latest blogs and post the ones that could be of benefit or good humor.

______________________________


Dr. Altman doesn't mince words, or do the soft shoe. He told me: "People are moving back home to their parents, losing their jobs, their homes. People who have a rent stabilized apartment like you would stay there forever."

He urged, "You don't want to get depressed. Paint your living room a color to cheer yourself up, as long as you're going to be there even just six months or a year." And so I have it painted in February.

That was all we talked about. My last words were a zinger of a quote I've written in JM. We barely focused on the SZ.

It was so cold that my fingers are still stiff even now that I'm in my apartment.

Last night I decided how I wanted to apply my makeup after seeing Eva Longoria Parker in the November Allure. She is the most beautiful woman in that picture. So I copied the dark brown and beige eyeshadow she wore, with my pink lipstick, the Clinique Pink Chocolate. Eva wore a L'Oreal lipstick called Dune which was more of a beige yet I got a similar effect so worked it to go see Dr. Altman. It is a point of pride to show up to his office looking pulled-together.

Where I was the other day a young woman had that theater makeup on that I used to wear imitatinig Siouxsie Sioux, the iconic goth lead singer of the Banshees. It was this counter girl's look and I accepted her as she is and didn't consider it hurtful, because I pegged her as a Trendy who was pulled to express herself that way, much as I did in the 1980s. Though I wasn't a Trendy, I was displaced, cut off from my true self, a lot sicker and in the grip of SZ.

Today I can accept people as they are without expecting them to change to conform to my view of how they "should" act or look. At best I'm an arbiter of positive change and I'm not a judger; I respect others and feel everyone needs to be given the latitude to express themselves.

So, I see the dainty woman with the scary face, and remember the girl I was, hiding behind the Siouxsie mask because I was hurt, and it was the only way I knew to get attention. Having a breakdown pretty much signals to others that they can't act like nothing's wrong forever and had better take action right now.

I find it fascinating that women use their faces not only as a canvas but as a diary of their feelings; at least, I did this. Siouxsie subverted convention and her beauty was only magnified: those violet eyes! that alabaster skin! How dramatic and appealing to young women who felt less than beautiful compared to others, as I felt compared to the other girls who seemed to have life at their feet.

It truly is a D-Lightful day when I can write like this, show you a facet of a young woman who had SZ, early on in her life. It was 1995 when I stopped wearing theater makeup. Years before that, a woman I hoped was my friend, who I orbited around, told me, "How can you expect to get a professional job if you wear that garish makeup?" It was then I understood what I had to give up. The loss of this loss close to 20 years later is a victory.

Once a month I travel into the City to Dr. Altman, and he observes me, his hazel eyes a mirror. I told him what I wrote in here applies to my life as well as my recovery. I accept this with grace and am aware that each day I have to earn this good fortune. I seek to be impeccable with my words and actions, to give to you and others my best self.

It was like a test three nights ago when I was applying my makeup: I wanted to see how far I could go, and I couldn't go beyond the pale. Blue eyeshadow should absolutely be illegal, girls. Paula Begoun got that right. Don't go to the cosmetics counter if you have the urge to buy Proenza Schouler blue. I don't care if Dick Page created that color, it has no place on any woman's face.

It seems like Trendys own the world, or at least determine what you'll be wearing or doing next. I'm not keen to adopt every new fashion, like those peasant tops I abhorred when they flooded the racks in stores years ago, or the boring sweater coats Mom bought me because they were on sale for $9.99 at the end of the trend.

Acrylic: No. Cotton: Yes.

Mustard: No. Red: Yes.

Sneakers: No. Loafers: Yes.

And so on. And so on.

Such are the "rules" I have for fashion. I understand that to most women wearing jeans and sneakers is perfectly acceptable, and that's their right. It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't see anything wrong with it. Whereas I feel better if I dress better. It's a personal thing. To each her own. So be it.

This is where I get the idea that the StatCounter is dropping fast.

You know I'm fascinated with fashion. It gives me great cheer to dress stylishly. "Less" is the way to go in makeup and jewelry It's like a hobby to invent new outfits from the clothes I already own. "Shopping in your closet" is indeed the prescription image consultants like Mary Lou Andre write for spicing up your look.

Hey, maybe in my fifties I'll make good on my goal of obtaining a diploma in image consulting. Maybe not. Either way, you can see it's a refrain I've come back to time and again in JM.

Wow. An hour spent writing in this blog has distracted me from the SZ. Now you see why I'm a big fan of "living your joy" or talking about your passion.

I'm going to sign off before I skirt too dangerously close to the edge of reason.

It's Rosa's birthday today.

Time to call her on the phone and sing "Happy Birthday."