Touch-and-Go

Where to begin?

Dr. Altman switched the dose times to see if I'll stay awake in the afternoon because he's certain it could be a side effect of the Geodon that I'm falling asleep.

I arrived early and dipped into the Esprit store where I bought a great pair of jeans. Their motto is: "The World Is Our Culture" and that impresses me. In my twenties I loved to buy Esprit clothes. My eyes zoomed in on the jeans. What does the number mean on the sizing? I was a 26 with a 30 inch inseam. So where does the number 26 come from? As far as I know I don't have a waist that skinny so what does the 26 refer to? Tomorrow I get them hemmed.

Kim France, the editor-in-chief of Lucky, in their August issue mused about whether the editors of that magazine use the word obsessed too freely about the fashions they're passionate about. Right now I'm obsessed with the jeans and hope I can get them hemmed by Tuesday so I can wear them to the talk I"m giving at the hospital.

I breezed through Lucky on the train. When I entered and went to sit down on a seat, the train lurched forward and I landed in some guy's lap. He was cute and all that but it wasn't intentional. I said, "I'm sorry." He said, "That's okay." It was an uneventful train ride.

Dr. Altman will possibly lower the Geodon back to only 80 mg twice a day with food next month. He read the prescribing information and told me I was correct: the maintenance dose is 40 mg per day, which is to say that greater efficacy isn't observed above 40 mg. He said most psychiatrists he knows dose at 80 mg twice a day.

When I told him I have a near-photographic memory he told me that was unusual because cognitive deficits are common with schizophrenia. Dan Wineburg (sp?) who is a researcher on SZ claims that cognitive deficits are often overlooked yet they are as common as hearing voices and are the true hallmark of schizophrenia.

I realize that my experience is atypical. I'm not proud of this. I'm grateful though for what I have. You may think there's no justice and I agree it seems like there isn't. So as I listened to Dr. Altman talk about the research findings I was even more committed to working as a mental health activist.

Mazzy Star is on radio sophie with "Fade Into You"-their indie classic from the 1990s. Hope Sandoval's voice is hauntingly beautiful.

Now it's Airborne Toxic Event with "Sometime After Midnight"- a great segue.

Today I wore my gray ballgown skirt and the skinny black tee shirt and the black platform sandals. It is my favorite summer outfit.

Tonight I'm sad. I'm sad about how schizophrenia wrecks people's lives. Nobody wants this and we don't deserve it. I seriously flirt with telling people I'm a mental health activist when they ask me at a party, "What do you do?" I can tell them "I'm a mental health activist." Why not?

What would you do? I feel I would be complicit in perpetuating the stigma if I remained silent. I'm willing to risk not having a second career if my work as an activist would jeopardize my ability to get work as a rehab counselor. Then again by the time I'm in my late fifties or early sixties I might be winding down my advocacy career.

One thing: Sonya Sotomayor made a "wise Latina" comment that everyone was talking about. In the same way I feel that only someone who's been in our shoes could know what it's like to live with SZ every day. I'm not certain that outsiders would understand. So in that regard we are the equivalent of wise Latinas when it comes to empathy.

Now, there are others who certainly advocate for people with mental illnesses even though they do not have one. AC-the woman whose blog I link to on the right-is one such gifted human being. I would like to believe that most people who are "chronically normal" would welcome someone with SZ into their lives. Do you think this is true? Or do you feel the stigma is still so great that we can't get a fair shake?

The two women in the writing workshop have copies of the manuscript and will critique it this summer. One woman gave it to her son to read. He told me "It's pretty good."

Things are touch-and-go right now. I see what happens after I switch the dose. Wish me good luck.

It nears midnight and so I am going to take my leave.

More again soon.